Posts by Sail Away

23

What Will U Spend For XMas This Year?

by minimus in

jw
friends

i think most exjws are frugal when it comes to xmas.

what is your budget for gift giving?.

Sail Away

About $1,500 for seasonal decorations, entertaining, gifts for immediate family, gifts for extended non-JW family and friends, gift wrap, cards, etc. I missed Christmas for 42 years, so I don't mind going a bit overboard!

Merry Christmas!

65

Did you AWAKEN from the JWs by yourself?

by cultBgone in

jw
friends

i was thinking about how so many posters here on jwn are frustrated and frantic to help their loved ones get away from the brainwashing of jws, and how much advice is given about how to help family members and loved ones.

i considered my own leaving and that it was internal turmoil based on the teachings getting weirder and child abuse issues, to name just a few, and it made me wonder:.

did you self-awaken or were you assisted by the gentle proddings of a friend or family member?

Sail Away

My initial awakening was on my own, and was closely followed by getting a thorough education regarding TTATT. After decades of cognitive dissonance, I got to the point that I could not function, but I didn’t even know what cognitive dissonance was as yet! In mid-May 2011 I was at a service meeting. The part was about how important it was to do more in the ministry, because so many lives were involved. Well, that immediately, and I mean instantaneously, in my mind translated into a death sentence— Your children are going to die! I thought, “If one more person tells me my kids are going to die. . .” I just knew I could not hear those words one more time. I was later told that I had a shift in thought. That shift in thought dramatically changed my life for the better.

The pressure regarding my adult children had been mounting for years. My daughter walked away when she was 17 years old. An elder called to ask her to meet for a shepherding call, and she told me to tell him that she “respectfully declined”. She went off to college about six months later. My son was DF’d. He had gone through a nasty divorce from his JW wife and went off the deep end. At the time I agreed with his disfellowshipping based on his actions, but strongly felt that he should be receiving love and support rather than being kicked to the curb. It really bothered me that I was “allowed” to speak to my daughter freely (the elders said she would have to deal with her sins should she try to come back to Jehovah) and yet I wasn’t going to be able to speak to my son once he moved out of our home. My son and daughter had committed the same “sins”. One thing I knew to be certain, I was never going to shun my son.

I didn’t know what was going on yet, but I just couldn’t go to another meeting. I couldn’t pray either. It was like a light switch had been flipped off. My husband who left the organization 30 years before I did (but didn’t know TTATT) didn’t know what to think, but he didn’t question me. I just shut down, and he did all the grocery shopping, cooking and laundry for about six weeks. All of a sudden I wasn’t going to meetings after 42 years. I couldn’t even call in and listen. I needed time away from all the noise. I needed to rest, and I needed time to think and sort things through. I thought about all the doctrinal flip flops and serious personal issues caused by JW doctrine in my life and in the lives of people I had known for over four decades.

At the end of May we went away on vacation. We went sailing for 10 glorious days. For a few seconds I wondered how it might feel to live my life like that— no ‘studying the Bible’, no meetings, no field service, no schedule, not one single dress or pair of high heels—just living, breathing and enjoying the sun and wind on my face. I dismissed the thought. Not there yet.

June was a blur. Still no meetings, but I did travel a bit with a long-time JW sister and friend. (She is the only JW who still talks to me over three years later.) I seemed to be able to function as long as I was not home. If I was home I was on the couch with my dog Emma (see Your Favorite Dog Breed thread) and my cat Rocky. Somewhere along the way I switched into what I call observation mode, professionals call it dissociation. For the first time in over 30 years this sister really got on my nerves— her lips were spewing words about Jehovah and the New System, but I mostly focused on her bright red lipstick. Her life, by her own admission, is an absolute mess. And yet she does absolutely nothing, no changes, no decisions— she just leaves it in Jehovah’s hands. Her marital situation was one of my causes for concern. She is married to a DF’d bi-sexual man, but was not allowed to divorce him under the old definition of porneia. She was later told after a second offense that she then had scriptural grounds for divorce, but she felt it was too late for her to leave him. They are financially dependent on each other at this late stage in life.

I had promised my deceased DIL’s inactive mother that I would take her to the District Convention on the July 4 th weekend. I didn’t take notes for the first time ever. I don’t know why. I just didn’t. Observation mode— Why am I sitting here with this woman? I know she didn’t do anything to me, but why am I forced to be reminded of so much pain? . . . These Stepford JWs are just plain scary . . . “Overlapping generation”— “That’s Crap!” Just how many times are they going to tell me to be in my seat before the music starts, pay attention and take notes? . . . Listen. Learn. Obey.”

After the District Convention, still no meetings. I had volunteered to serve the C.O.’s lunch in mid-August well before the mid-May shift in thought. I was still in the “Let your yes mean yes” mode, and felt I could make myself go to the meetings, go out in service one morning and serve the lunch. I did serve the lunch, but that was all.

On the Monday following his visit, I got on the Internet and found this forum and the YUKU ex-JW forum. I started to do research on JW history, doctrine and cults. I read about the two-witness rule and pedophile issues in the organization and found Silent Lambs. I read JWFacts.org, Crisis of Conscience, Shepard the Flock of God and The God Delusion, by Richard Dawkins all in about two weeks’ time.

I typed my first post on exjehovahswitnessforum.yuku.com entitled, “Help! I’m being stalked!” with shaking hands. I was stalked by local JWs nearly every day for five months straight, but there was no going back. I am no longer one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. I choose not to write a letter of disassociation, and I will certainly not attend any Judicial Committee meetings. I informed my elder hit squad (two elders who seemed to have been assigned to my defection) that I had an out-patient hospitalization in 2011, and I am still dealing with severe clinical depression, PTSD and caring for my mom who now has late-stage Lewy Body Dementia. I told him I just knew that my next hospitalization would be in-patient, and I don’t want to go there. I have not heard a word since playing the mental health card.

33

"The Friends"

by FeelingFree in

i have only come across this term very recently on jwn and in an "apostate" video i watched yesterday.

never have i heard anyone refer to jw's as "the friends" here in the uk.

is it just used in america?.

Sail Away

Used interchangeably with “Brothers and Sisters” here in the Northeast, USA. There does seem to be an interesting connection to The Religious Society of Friends or Quakers.

SailAway, Not an "Oldie"

5

ex jws have you ever been helped by an active jw?

by Crazyguy in

just wondering if anyone here that has left, faded away, no longer active in the congregation but not dfd, needed help, money, car, food etc.

and recieved some from an active jw?.

Sail Away

No, but I have been helping an active JW who is in need and has grown old and is being ignored by "the friends". I have known her for over 30 years. She is beginning to realize she will "grow old in this system of things." It is very sad. She is a born-in who lives and breathes for "the new system". She accepts that I have the choice to leave the organization but views that choice as something akin to suicide.

17

Ever try to contact local "inactive publishers"?

by Sail Away in

i'm just wondering if anyone has ever tried to contact inactive or disfellowshipped jws in their area.

there are many faders in our area.

there is also a large born-in family that had many leave who were labeled as apostates.

Sail Away

DOC, I didn't fade so much as I walked away. There was one JW that I really hoped to keep as a friend, butI haven't seen her in over a year. My family is all out except my in-laws, and that relationship was always strained due to their shunning my husband. Now that they are also shunning our children, I have no hope of any real relationship with them.

I have seen first hand what you have said. Many faders are still believers and are still loyal to the bOrg. I am fine with being outed if that happens. I think that the definition of really being free is when you simply don't care what they do. If they DF me, so be it. I refuse to live my life by their dictates (42 years is long enough) and in fear. They have control when we are afraid of them and what they can do. They don't control me any more.

Sail Away

51

Your favourite dog breed ...?

by LoveUniHateExams in

in an earlier thread, i mentioned that i wasn't a particularly doggy person but that my parents got a husky last year that i've come to regard as a kind of brother.. huskies superficially resemble wolves and for me it's been fun to compare and contrast husky and wolf behaviour.

huskies howl but rarely bark, and seem to have a strong prey drive and a strong pack instinct - a nod to their wild cousins.

this is why i love huskies, i think.. do you have a favourite dog breed and why?.

Sail Away

My little girl is a shih tzu/poodle mix. She is all personality, loves to go for a ride in the car to do some errands and loves to go sailing and kayaking. She is really smart-- rings the bell to go out and clangs the ship's bell to come in. She is the only dog I have ever had that doesn't get all tangled up around trees or bushes and knows to look where you are pointing. Also, she will jump in the tub before the bath water is drawn when even she can't stand the way she smells. She is curly and soft, doesent shed and is a cuddle bug.

I grew up with shepards (Dad was a police officer with a K-9 partner), and I've had all sorts of rescue mixes, but I finally decided it was time to tranin my own dog from a puppy. If she was going to have issues, I would have no one to blame but myself. I used The Loved Puppy and The Loved Dog training methods. She is so well behaved that I can take her to the nursing home to visit my mom.

17

Ever try to contact local "inactive publishers"?

by Sail Away in

i'm just wondering if anyone has ever tried to contact inactive or disfellowshipped jws in their area.

there are many faders in our area.

there is also a large born-in family that had many leave who were labeled as apostates.

Sail Away

stuckinarut, you are so right. JW I think of JW friendships as instant soup-- pour the contents of the packet into a cup, add some boiling water and stir-- is it soup yet?

Witness My Fury, I agree, mentally out and pysically out are two entirely different ball games.

Maybe this is all a waste of my time after all.

17

Ever try to contact local "inactive publishers"?

by Sail Away in

i'm just wondering if anyone has ever tried to contact inactive or disfellowshipped jws in their area.

there are many faders in our area.

there is also a large born-in family that had many leave who were labeled as apostates.

Sail Away

ruderedhead, I'll give leaving out any reference to JWs a try. I have tried contacting ones who left a long time ago and didn't want them to think I was still an active uber-witness.

Blackfalcon, I never treated people who only showed up for the Memorial and C.O.s visits any differently either. If anything I went out of my way to keep in touch. One elder's wife even got mad at me for giving new convention releases to an inactive JW. She didn't think this woman "deserved" to have them. She didn't think her DF'd son "deserved" to be in paradise either.

I recently FaceBook messaged a faded (walked away) JW I know that simply put up her hand and said, "No thank you!" and closed the door on two elders that showed up to check on her over a decade ago. This was reported to me by her JW DIL. This woman is into tai chi and kayacking now. We have interests in common and used to be friendly. She didn't respond to my message.

Phizzy, I was raised in since nine years old. I only have two adult non-JW friends who have known me for a long time-- one a high school friend and another woman I met in my early twenties. I have a largely disfunctional non-JW family. I miss the sense of a shared history.

Before I left the organization I was contacted by a faded JW that moved out of state. She had gone back, studied again and was looking for info to get in touch with our service overseer. She needed her records in order to get approved for going in the field service again. She was subsequently DF'd for "wickedness". She took over a dozen (I forget the exact number) blood transfusions and refused to write a letter stating that it was in a medical crisis and a moment of weakness and that she wouldn't do it again. She told me she would do it again if it would save her life. Sadly, she still believes it's the truth and still needs Jehovah in her life. Sigh. I will try MeetUp.com. Thanks.

17

Ever try to contact local "inactive publishers"?

by Sail Away in

i'm just wondering if anyone has ever tried to contact inactive or disfellowshipped jws in their area.

there are many faders in our area.

there is also a large born-in family that had many leave who were labeled as apostates.

Sail Away

I'm just wondering if anyone has ever tried to contact inactive or disfellowshipped JWs in their area. There are many faders in our area. There is also a large born-in family that had many leave who were labeled as apostates. I wonder if any post here on JWN.

I have not as yet been sucessful in reconnecting with any former JWs locally. Two are clearly believers who view themselves as "spiritually weak" and want to "return to Jehovah" some day. Others have ignored brief emails, phone or FackBook messages. I usually keep it simple-- 'Hi, I haven't been to meetings in over three years. Just wanted to see how you are doing.'

Any suggestions or good outcomes?

Sail Away

53

How did your family react when you made it known that you did not want to be a JW anymore?

by Yondaime in

please share your experiences..

Sail Away

When I told my husband who left the organization over 30 years before I did that I wasn’t going to be a JW anymore, he took it rather well. After the initial shock wore off, his main concern was that I was going to have to rethink everything I had ever believed to be true and decide for myself whether or not I still wanted to hold on to that belief. He handed me The God Delusion, by Richard Dawkins.

My (DF’d) son said, “Whoa, I didn’t see that one comin!”

My (DA’d by her actions) daughter seemed to be nonplussed by my announcement.

My uber-JW in-laws have clearly surmised that I have left. They live over 500 miles away. On our last visit over two years ago, my MIL asked if I was still going to meetings. I opened my eyes wide, looked her straight in the face and asked, “Why would you ask such a thing?” and walked away. We won’t be visiting again anytime soon. They have made it abundantly clear that they are "all set, everything is taken care of (hubby is written out of the will) and communication would be nice, but is not necessary."

Last fall I stopped writing to my MIL which I had done as my “duty” as “a good Christian wife” for 35 years. I told my hubby—his mother was his problem. I was tired of her “death threats” (attempts to re-assimilate hubby through thinly veiled threats of death and destruction at The Big A). She hasn’t written to me in a year, and I don’t miss her hate speech.

In addition to being JWs my in-laws are racist. In the last phone conversation with my husband, my FIL was so concerned that my daughter had married an Irishman who will, of course, end up a good-for-nothing drunk that he forgot to ask his name. My MIL wrote a note to my husband requesting the name. We ignored it.

My husband will call his father (his mother won’t speak to him) about once a year to check on them, usually when there is a major weather event in their area. Seven feet of snow in Buffalo qualifies. They are in their late '80s. My FIL will talk for five minutes or less. Clearly, he was snowed in and had nowhere pressing to be, but five minutes was it! He didn't even ask about our daughter who is pregnant with his great-grand child. Neither one has ever initiated a phone call in all these years. I was always the go between for them and their "apostate" son. Not so much anymore.

After five straight months of nearly daily contact from local JWs when I first walked away, all contact stopped abruptly right after their SAD which I didn’t attend. Weird, but I welcome the silence. If we cross paths in town, they are always pleasant-- "We miss you at the meetings." Whatever.

Three close JW “friends” asked why I left. I simply told them it was a matter of conscience and that the elders are fully informed. I told the elders that I wouldn’t be a hypocrite and attend meetings that teach I should shun my son when that wasn’t going to happen and that I couldn’t bear to hear them say my family was going to die at Armageddon one more time. I played the mental health card. My husband is a “known apostate” who they could never get the goods on. They don’t even give him the once-yearly visit. My neighbor reported to me that she watched the last time JWs were in the neighborhood, and they didn’t even bother to go to our door. Yes!

Sail Away